In such a time of upheaval and despite being so busy with all of the usual aspects of life, this week my thoughts have turned to something, someone, who never was....
This week coming, I will take a little time out to think of the little baby I lost late last year, whose due date is almost upon us. William and I fell joyfully pregnant in October 2006 with our second little one. We were so happy to finally be expecting a sibling for Chelsea. 7 weeks into my pregnancy however, we lost the little one who we had waited so long for.
I had documented practically every day of the short pregnancy and when tragedy struck, the easiest way for me to deal with my grief, was to write. 9 months on, I have decided to take the final step in remembering and moving on, by posting what I wrote that week.
25 October 2006
" I have been lucky in my life not to have had much grief to deal with. I had just passed the 6 week mark of my second pregnancy - I was so sure that this little one would be a boy. On Monday morning I noticed blood and my heart sank as I immediately thought the worst. I decided to see if it would ease and it did. On Tuesday, it was back again and I organised an appointment with Dr Vesey. He examined me and sent me for an ultrasound. Everyone was so good to fit us in so quickly. During the ultrasound, the sonographer said "Susan, I'm sorry, the sac is not there". I nodded with tears dripping down my cheeks. William sat silently in a chair. We left devastated at the loss of something we would never have. I drove home in my car sobbing and trying to keep my breath, at home I staggered up to our room and collapsed on the bed. That was it, I fell apart.
I remember Will's hand on my back as I cried into our pillows. How could everything go from perfect to absolute devastation in two weeks. A blood test that afternoon confirmed that I would miscarry, and early in the hours of Wednesday morning 25 October, I lost my baby. I didn't want time off work, I kept busy and managed to have a decent day. Around lunchtime my cramps and backache worsened to the point where I was using a heat pack and breathing through the pain.
I thought that I had managed to get all of my feelings off my chest on Tuesday, but tonight, Wednesday night, I can't concentrate, I'm crying and I have an incredible feeling of emptiness, and of FAILURE. I felt embarassed that we had told people at such an early stage, but in hindsight, I am glad we did. All of their support and wishes has been amazing and reminds me how lucky we are.
We would like to try for another baby, but I am worried of having my heart broken again. "
To the little one who we never knew, may your spirit soar with angels and may our dreams of your little face remind us of how blessed we were to be touched by you. One day we will meet you, in heaven.
Love Mummy, Daddy & Chelsea Leah xo
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